“Chuck Chaparral — #1 in the West Valley! How can I help you… I see sir…you ‘can’t deal.‘ Perfectly natural. You think humanity is ‘crazy’….you just want to get away? You want a place like on your T-shirt?? [off:] Stella, we’ve got a live one! [into phone] Sure, sir; well, no, I mean yes, of course that makes sense!. Humans stink, you say? And it must be the West Valley? If I may ask — oh, I see: because you’re sick of the East Valley! And Covid…the idiots everywhere? You just want to hibernate until the New Year? Who doesn’t! Yes, sir! I can help you find a cave. That’s my business, and I’m the best. I can help you escape into oblivion, with the most comprehensive listing of caves in the Simi Hills for the grouchy bear. [!] Sorry, I mean, the sentient patriotic American. Don’t eat your phone, sir…”
“Why not start at the top? There’s nothing like Munits’s Cave. The Garden of Allah is under McDonald’s parking lot; and Pickfair is only that crushed rubble in the garden paths of Pia Zadora’s much larger estate. But here, you get a surviving authentic California cave PACKED with bees, crow guano, and local history. Smell the fragrant Chumash shamans? Catch the dust and sweat of our ranching days? How ’bout that breeze redolent of the Malibu coast, just over that hill…? That chilly fog is part of the deal. It’s the “beards of the Elye-wun.” They’re out hunting you see –?? Mythic romance? Priceless. Just look at your View…!
“Of course! it’s top dollar, sir! I understand, sir — you’re no performing bear with a TV series. No, I don’t think you were one of the Gentle Bens, or something. No need to use that tone of growl. If that’s ALL [ahem] YOU CAN AFFORD….there is ONE snug little excavation, still available in the Munits Cave-Adjacent Area…across the street…right…down… there. See it?”
“Small? Whaddaya want, a Great Room? Sorry. Yes…yes. YES, in full View of the looky-loos at Munits’s. Plus the echo of bird calls in the bowl is enchanting. Ravens croaking at 5:30 am? Like Mozart!
“I wouldn’t say the outlook is dreary, sir; I say, it’s spooky and mysterious! [cringes at the roar] But you and I are OF COURSE of one sympathy, sir! I know what you want! [listens; sighs; winds watch] Yes, sir, Covid, Brexit, democracy’s collapse, I get it! (thinks; thinks; thinks). So, I have a couple of ideas yet. Would you go a few miles north? Yes, ‘north of Victory Blvd.’ YOU WANTED RUSTIC, sir! Come on, we just have time before sunset. Don’t growl at me…just, calm down, get in the car, sir….I’ve got some hot chai in a thermos, here…got it? Don’t mind about my suit, it’ll dry, only, the backseat upholstery… [shakes off spilled tea] Thanks, sir. I appreciate it. Yes, I can open the windows. Turn on KUSC…? Zheesh. I mean, sweet!”
“So up here, we’re no longer Malibu-adjacent, but we ARE, out of West HIlls and into Chatsworth [gulp]. Thank God, eh sir? Tee hee. AND, we’re in the Santa Susana Pass State Park! Oh, you like it, sir? Well, this is a very exclusive neighborhood…but undiscovered, if you know what I mean. You do? [kaching!] Well, sir, let’s mosey up the pike. Yes, sure, take your mask off. Nobody comes up here. Why would they? There’s only Chumash cave paintings and California native plants! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha…ha…ha… Here’s our first..well not a cave, but really, a modernist luxury canopy. Climb right in.”
“Well, sir, yes, that is graffiti. Those are NOT Chumash cave paintings, you’re right, they are the scribblings of idiotic local children who have no love in their lives, and live in video games, and must deface nature to yawp their pathetic existence. So, you’re right! I agree, it’s no den for a settled, mature bear. I just thought I’d show it to you, and — OK! I don’t like the look in your eye. Let’s move on, sir. This here’s a beauty. Look at the yard! Clamber in.”
“Drafts, you say? Well, these modern caves; all one big space. Sorry, that’s all I have, sir. That one up there? Hmmm, well, I don’t know, it isn’t on my listings… but here it is on CaveFax; and it’s available, sir! And what a fine View of the San Gabriels!”
“Quite a bargain, too. But you can’t want a cramped little cave like that, sir? Cozy? Really? With all your excess [ahem] Covid-lockdown bulk? Well, you’ll have nice rut appeal, and a lovely View if you ever decide to wake up…[thinks] and sir, you realize, it is right on the Old Santa Susana Stagecoach Road? I mean, right on it – you’d have Number One, Old Santa Susana Stagecoach Road as your address!! That’ll give you LA cred! You’ll take it? Well, sir, I’ll get the papers in order! I’m sure nothing at all is going to trouble your long winter’s nap. The gardeners come on Wednesday, wear your earplugs, sir. It’s a pleasure serving you, and remember, Chaparral Covers the West Valley! Happy New Year!”
The Valley Village View 